Monday.
Since yesterday things are looking up. I started reading the book Habakkuk. Yes, a very random part of the Bible to be reading one must think, but it is a part of the Bible I have not read and also Ray suggested it. I started reading it and in the very first parts of the chapter it is where the prophet of God is complaining. I laughed inside when I read it. How many times do we complain in one single day? in an hour? even just one minute. So much of many of our lives is spent complaining. In habakkuk 1:2 it says, “How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, ‘Violence!’ but you do not save?”. When has God not listened to us? He always listens and he always answers. Maybe we are not listening. It is funny when you read down a little farther in the chapter. verse 5 “Look at the nations and watch- be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Sometimes we just have to be patient and watch and be amazed as what is going to happen. Be patient, still, listen, wait and just watch and be utterly amazed to see what is going to happen. Something SO great we wouldn’t believe it even if we were told. Something we can only imagine by watching.
So I am going to stop being so angry I’ve decided and I am going to stop and watch the good things in my life. I am going to try and be UTTERLY amazed by God and all He is doing around me and everyone I know. I am going to stop complaining that God is not listening when He has been listening the entire time and just whispering in my ear to watch and be utterly amazed.
Sunday.
Lately I’ve been realizing things and seeing that I am getting angry at alot of things all the time. I am not really sure why I keep acting this way. I don’t like it. I hate being an angry person and snapping at everyone. God please help me with this. I don’t want to be one of those people who people never want to be around. Life for me feels so boring. I don’t do anything any more. I go to work come home go to ray’s or sit around. I hate that. I want more excitement in my life. I wanted to take bike classes so I can buy a bike. Then I was thinking about how I was going to buy a quad. Oh well. Then I feel like I am being so selfish because here I have so much and all I do is complain about what I don’t have or what I am not doing. Thats when I get upset because then I am like how can I be so ungrateful it is an on going cycle something that is hard to get out of. Why are people so selfish? We take and take and take never thinking about others. I want to be others oriented. I wish I could give everything, but sometimes I am scared because then how will I live? I know God has my back, but am I willing to give it all. I want to be. I really do. blah. that is all i can think of. blah. HELP! Get me out of this on going cycle.
Monday.
okay so I haven’t exactly been on here in a while and I apologize there really is no good excuse I can say without it being totally lame. Well here is what is going on in my life. I applied to tunxis community college and was accepted. I am going back to school. Cinema church is going swimmingly so far. I have been thinking about many different things like where am I needed and where will I fit best. I am thinking I need to talk to God more. I feel as if I have been letting Him down lately. Which will probably explain why my feelings of self worth have been going slopingly down. I wish I didn’t fail so much. I am only human but that is no excuse. I am tired of lame excuses I want to get into a really strong fellowship with other women my age. I am stoked about starting up a small group with girls my age and not my mother. yes I love my mother but c’mon there is only so much you can share comfortably when parents are around. Today was a good day because it showed me that when I feel the lowest of the low my friends are here and that I do infact have friends who do love me and are willing to be there for me even if their b/f wants to see them. My brain is on an overload of information and I am just spilling it all out. There are people in my life I am so thankful they are there. People I take advantage of and wish I showed them more. Sometimes I ask God where are you? Why do you seem so far away from me? Now I see it is more God saying where are you? why have you gone from me? I just don’t know any more. BLAHHH is what I a thinking right now. How does it seem so much easier for other people? I know this is not an easy walk but how do some people just say HEY JESUS I am laying it all in your hands. I wish I could do that I WANT to do that. I will. I want to open an orphanage one day I want to go into full time ministry I want to serve the Lord with every ounce of my being. I just feel like I am never good enough to. Not worthy to even stand on something He made. Not worthy to even be alive. Which is why I owe my entire life to Him. I am not sure where I am going. I am going no where thats for sure. So I am ending this.
